Dear New York Sports Club and Its Members:
I have the following requests…..
Bigger towels – Listen, I’m 6’1 (almost) and 193 pounds. The towels barely fit around me. The last I checked, this was not New York Sports Club for Little People. Have little (the current standard) towels for working out and (BIG) towels for showering. It is that simple.
The sauna should work at all times. ALL TIMES. That fucking thing should never be below 170 degrees. And if it does, the locker room attendant guy should get off his lazy ass and fix it.
No electronic devices in the sauna OR locker room. Get off your cell phone. Get off your blackberry. Do not bring your IPod into the sauna. I have no idea what kind of a camera you have on those things and I sure as hell do not want to hear a conversation between you and your doctor about your prostate while you are naked, 5 feet away from me.
Make people put their weights back. The place is a mess at all times. Towels everywhere. dumbbells not put back in the racks. I almost killed myself tripping over a 110 pound dumbbell because some fucking meathead didn’t have the courtesy to put it back in its place. It is a good thing I am so nimble with my cat like reflexes.
I know, you are the strongest man in the world. I know because you are grunting. I know because you are wearing a tank top. I know because you are flexing in the mirror. Believe me, we all know. But please stop throwing the weights down on the floor so that they make as much noise as is humanly possible. (Sidenote: it does feel good to throw the weights down. I know because I have done it…..but I did it in someone’s private gym, where there were just two of us working out. Not in a crowded gym where one wrong roll of the 315 pound barbell takes out some 50 year old womans ankle. )
Big fellas……stop using the N word. I know you are just trying to motivate one another, but you sound like complete idiots. Suggested alternative words of encouragement: Big Guy, Champ, Homey, Gorilla Man (no racial context), Playa, Arnold……..I could go on, but I won’t.
Get the TVs to work. I plugged my headphones into 4 TVs that were broken. Everyone knows how pissed I get when I can’t watch the 6:30 re-run of “Judge Judy”. No, but really “The Office” was on. And it was one of the good episodes……….. one that I have only seen 11 times.
The girl at the front desk should get a raise. She always says hi and has a smile on her face. That shouldn’t be a big deal, but these days you are lucky to have someone greet you with a smile. Anywhere.
Please start a juice bar so that I can get protein shakes immediately after my workouts. How else am I going to get big and strong like the guys with the cut off t-shirts and the dude wearing his 1987 high school football jersey (true story, a guy was wearing that tonight)
That’s all, I don’t think these requests are too much to ask. I’m a reasonable guy.