A brief dialogue between three domesticated animals:
What the Chuck?
An Andrew Goodnow Concoction
It is Friday at 4 pm. Later the lady of the house will be hosting a dinner party. She is frantically cleaning the home in preparation for her guests.
Cliff, the family Golden retriever, normally a well disposition and otherwise happy dog, is livid. His milkbone has gone missing. Cliff is like a crackhead. If he does not get his milkbone fix he gets itchy, irritable, and at times violent.
In front of the fireplace lies Chuck, a courteous Saint Bernard. Chuck does whatever he wants. Recently the lady attached a barrel of whiskey to his neck. Chuck is not amused. He does realize that the man of the house now pays him much more attention…walking him for long periods of time in the evenings and drinking from the cask.
Next to Chuck sits LC. LC got his name from the small person of the house. The small person referred to LC as “Lil Chuck” A reference no doubt to the fact that he looks exactly like Chuck, loafs around like, and is fat like Chuck…only LC is a cat. A big, fat, useless cat. He may be the fattest feline in the world at 34 pounds. LC is an indoor cat and he would not have it any other way. LC once saw a mouse. He just smiled at it.
Cliff enters the living room.
Both Chuck and LC are sprawled out in front of the fireplace. They could be one very large rug.
Cliff: Listen Chuck, FUCK YOU!!!!
Chuck slowly opens his eyes.. drools a little. He gives Cliff the blank Saint Bernard look.
Cliff: The next time you take my fucking milkbone it’s on bitch!
Chuck: Whoa, whoa….
Cliff: You heard me Chuck, I’ll fuck you up like that squirrel I caught last week.
Chuck: First, you overestimate my taste in milkbones. Second, wouldn’t LC be better to ask?
Cliff: LC is a fucking cat, asshole. What would he want with my milkbone?
Chuck: LC is as big as any dog I know…..maybe he needed a snack.
Cliff: LC!!!!! You fucker. Get over here!!!
LC is approximately 4 feet away from Cliff and Chuck. He has been listening to the whole conversation, but is too lazy to lift his head.
LC: Huh? What is issue?
Cliff is now itching. He is biting at his paws. His tail is wagging up and down rather than side to side. He needs his milkbone fix.
Cliff: Did you…..(there is a pause so that he can lick his leg) eat my MOTHERFUCKIN Milkbone???
Cliff starts pointing his paw, that is shaking, at LC. LC doesn’t seem to notice.
Cliff: One of you two beasts ate my bone…..(Cliff begins to cry)
Chuck: Cliff, calm down. I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for your missing bone. Where was it last?
Cliff: Next to my bed you fat bastard!!! (Cliff is now rubbing his head against the carpet and pacing in a circle)
LC: Hmmmm…..the lady has been a neat freak lately. Cleaning all of my play things off the floor and throwing them in a closet. I bet your bone met the same fate. Maybe she tossed it in the bin you are always getting in trouble for knocking over….
Cliff: (Now chewing on his tail) She has been a real bitch lately.
Chuck: At least she didn’t strap a barrel of booze to your neck. The man keeps yanking on it to every time he wants a drink.
LC: Earlier today she knocked me off the back of the sofa. It was nice and sunny, I was working my belly groove into the couch and WHAP. She knocks me down. I’m just trying to get my sunbathing in….
Cliff: I bet she stole my milkbone. That Indian-giving bitch….