It's All Goodnow……

Saint Patrick’s Eve

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick’s Day.  Or as I like to call it: amateur hour.   I will walk to work amongst the greenest of drinkers.  All wet behind the ears.  Some with vomit on their green t-shirts with slogans ranging from “Kiss me I’m Irish” to “Fuck you I’m Irish”  both are lovely sentiments…..

Me, well…..I love Saint Patrick’s Day.  I think it is a great reason to get drunk and eat corn beef.  Fuck it, I wish everyday were Saint Patrick’s Day.  Although this year……we have a problem.  I will not be drinking. It is unholy and I may be punished for this in some form of afterlife, but I’ll be sober on March 17, 2010.   Here are some things I will miss about tomorrow:

1. I love giving bars $20 for the privilege of drinking in their establishments

2. Nothing says “Let’s have some good fun” like having to drink from plastic cups because glass is “too dangerous” on St. Patrick’s Day

3. I love walking through human urine on the sidewalks

4. Sneaking back to work after a 3 hour lunch is never scary

5. Masking the smell of a 3 hour lunch is never suspicious.  “Andrew, that bowl of mints is for everyone in the office….”

I wonder how well it would go over if I put food coloring in the water cooler?

I have my review tomorrow.  My boss reminded me when we scheduled it, “Andrew, that is the 17th…..at 3pm…..St. Patricks Day….you sure?”  I guess he knows more than he lets on.

Should I wear a green tie tomorrow or does that just make me a D-bag?

I’m postive I’ll have some good material for tomorrow’s blog.  I can feel it.

What the Chuck?

 A brief dialogue between three domesticated animals:

What the Chuck?

An Andrew Goodnow Concoction

It is Friday at 4 pm.  Later the lady of the house will be hosting a dinner party.  She is frantically cleaning the home in preparation for her guests.

Cliff, the family Golden retriever, normally a well disposition and otherwise happy dog, is livid.  His milkbone has gone missing.   Cliff is like a crackhead.  If he does not get his milkbone fix he gets itchy, irritable, and at times violent.

In front of the fireplace lies Chuck, a courteous Saint Bernard.  Chuck does whatever he wants.  Recently the lady attached a barrel of whiskey to his neck.  Chuck is not amused.  He does realize that the man of the house now pays him much more attention…walking him for long periods of time in the evenings and drinking from the cask. 

Next to Chuck sits LC. LC got his name from the small person of the house.  The small person referred to LC as “Lil Chuck”  A reference no doubt to the fact that he looks exactly like Chuck, loafs around like, and is fat like Chuck…only LC is a cat.  A big, fat, useless cat.  He may be the fattest feline in the world at 34 pounds.   LC is an indoor cat and he would not have it any other way.   LC once saw a mouse.  He just smiled at it.

Cliff enters the living room.

Both Chuck and LC are sprawled out in front of the fireplace.  They could be one very large rug. 

Cliff: Listen Chuck, FUCK YOU!!!!

Chuck slowly opens his eyes.. drools a little.  He gives Cliff the blank Saint Bernard look.

Chuck: What?

Cliff: The next time you take my fucking milkbone it’s on bitch!

Chuck: Whoa, whoa….

Cliff: You heard me Chuck, I’ll fuck you up like that squirrel I caught last week.

Chuck: First, you overestimate my taste in milkbones.  Second, wouldn’t LC be better to ask? 

Cliff:  LC is a fucking cat, asshole.  What would he want with my milkbone?

Chuck: LC is as big as any dog I know…..maybe he needed a snack.

Cliff: LC!!!!!  You fucker.  Get over here!!!

LC is approximately 4 feet away from Cliff and Chuck.   He has been listening to the whole conversation, but is too lazy to lift his head. 

LC: Huh?  What is issue?

Cliff is now itching.  He is biting at his paws.  His tail is wagging up and down rather than side to side.  He needs his milkbone fix.

Cliff: Did you…..(there is a pause so that he can lick his leg)  eat my MOTHERFUCKIN Milkbone??? 

Cliff starts pointing his paw, that is shaking, at LC.  LC doesn’t seem to notice.

LC:  Nope.

Cliff: One of you two beasts ate my bone…..(Cliff begins to cry)

Chuck: Cliff, calm down.  I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for your missing bone.  Where was it last?

Cliff: Next to my bed you fat bastard!!! (Cliff is now rubbing his head against the carpet and pacing in a circle)

LC: Hmmmm…..the lady has been a neat freak lately.  Cleaning all of my play things off the floor and throwing them in a closet.  I bet your bone met the same fate.  Maybe she tossed it in the bin you are always getting in trouble for knocking over….

Cliff:  (Now chewing on his tail) She has been a real bitch lately.

Chuck:  At least she didn’t strap a barrel of booze to your neck.  The man keeps yanking on it to every time he wants a drink.

LC:  Earlier today she knocked me off the back of the sofa.  It was nice and sunny, I was working my belly groove into the couch and WHAP.  She knocks me down. I’m just trying to get my sunbathing in….

Cliff:  I bet she stole my milkbone.  That Indian-giving bitch….

Hunting leprechauns and paying for (23-27 year old) Andrew

Back in the swing of things!!!!!

Tons of energy right now.   I’m attempting to find ways of dealing with it so that I am ready to dominate on Sunday morning.  If someone gave me the chance to run this race now, I would…in my khakis and button down shirt.  RIGHT NOW.   So here are ways I plan on channeling this energy so that I stay focused until Sunday’s big race:

1. Going to the gym.  Yesterday was supposed to be a day off, but after having spent 8 hours sitting on a train Sunday I wanted to get some form of excercise.  I fast pace walked for a half hour while adding in some sprints every 5 minutes just to get the heart rate up.  Nothing taxing.  Did a lot of stretching and hit the sauna. 

2. Eating.  A lot. All healthy food, but lots of it.

3. Convincing myself NOT to drink on St. Patty’s day.  (that will take up the bulk of my energy)

Notes/Thoughts:

I saw a guy wearing camouflage for his Irish Green at the Buffalo St. Patrick’s Day Parade.   I suppose if that is the only green you’ve got…..  and you are a redneck.

My clothes are falling off of me.  People are now starting to comment on how my clothes no longer fit me. 

Got my bonus, or rather, two large banking institutions received  lump sum payments toward the unsecured debt I have accumulated.   Barclays and USAA, you are both very welcome.   Also, 23-27 year old Andrew who decided to run up copious amounts of debt on drinking, driving a luxury German sports sedan,  and going on vacations you could not afford….you are also very welcome.  Signed – 28 year old Andrew.

I managed to finish two short stories (one being about a talking dog who is incredibly vulgar), half a book, and two New Yorker magazines in the 16 hours spent on trains this weekend.   I also came up with several blog topics. 

Spring weather is here!!!  Let’s forget about the past weekend and look forward to the low 60’s all this week.

Thank you US government for sending me a letter in the mail telling me that my census questionnaire is coming in the mail.  Great use of government dollars….. spending my hard earned money on something else completely useless. 

Last night I had a dream that I was given a first aid kit…………not sure I like that with only 5 days before my race.

I woke up at 5:45 this morning.  It was still dark out. I went back to bed.

Woke up at 6:30.  Still dark out.  Went back to bed.

Maybe it was the Advil PM, but I thought of every excuse possible to stay in bed this morning, for example:

1. I’m not wearing a shirt.  I can’t get out of bed.

2. Alarm clock is too loud.  Must shut it off.

3. It’s cold in here.

4. I’m sure God wants me to be happy and to stay in bed….

5. Fuck it, I’ll just run tonight.

6. I’m adding years to my life by getting 8 hours of sleep.

I was in the grocery store last night when a woman was blocking an entire aisle with her cart.  I went to walk around her and her response:  “I’m always getting out of the way for men!!!  It should be the other way around!!!”   I just walked away because she obviously wasn’t all there, but I wanted to tell her to take her deep-rooted emotional problems elsewhere…….I just wanted to get my english muffins and go home.

My co-worker has been on the phone with his buddy for about a half hour talking about a video game.   Secrets, blogs about the game, websites about the game, different explosives and body armour upgrades, and how he stays up until 2 am playing the game.   All of it is VERY FASCINATING and telling as to his personal life.

I’m going to eat lunch outside.  It is a beautiful day.