Bachelor Party

by agoodnow

Went to a bachelor party this weekend.  I will share with you some highlights (or as some may be, lowlights)

The bachelor party was held in Smyrna, DE. Smyrna is about 45 minutes south of Wilmington (where I take the train) so I was in need of help getting there. Luckily, two incredibly generous people helped me get to the bachelor party and back to the train station (I had to leave from Philly because trains don’t run out of Wilmington on Sundays).  A huge thanks to Ryan and Ken.  If there were more people like you guys in the world, we’d be in a better place. (Sometimes a scarier place, but still a better one)

A few other sidenotes: The bride to be was in attendance (I think that might actually null the title “bachelor party”), there were two other girlfriends there (notice nobody brought their WIVES because people who are married want the time with the guys), and there were no strippers. 

1.  I woke up at 7:20 a.m. on Saturday and my train was leaving Penn Station at 8:14.  Shit. I was able to jump in the shower, get dressed, throw my stuff together, catch the cross town bus, hop in a cab once I got to the west side, buy my train ticket, get a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin AND still get on the train 5 minutes before it left. (oh, and in case you are wondering……brushed my teeth too)

2. As I am buying my train ticket a young African American male approached me and asked if I could buy him a train ticket to Newark, NJ.  My response, “I’ve got nothing for ya.”   His response, “Yeah, whateva, fuck you man”  It was a nice little exchange to start the day.   I don’t particularly like people who beg me for things and then curse at me.

3. On the train ride down there was a dirty looking skate boarder kid sitting in the isle near me.   I would like to point out that just about every single seat on this train was empty.  And here comes……….THE COUGAR!!!!!!! A woman of about 35-38 is “looking for a seat” and asks this young man if she can sit next to him.  It is right next to me so I start looking around to see why in the hell she did not take one of the 73 unoccupied seats.

So the two of them start talking here are a few topics that were covered (oh yes, I wrote this down)

a) her brother was shot 5 times, but only died after being hit by a car

b) he was going to visit his girlfriend (for the next 10 minutes the cougar told him why he should not date someone so far away)

c) his mother passed away, when he was told about this he thought it was a “sick joke” (we are now 15 minutes into the conversation and these two are covering some deep topics)

d) The cougar perks up as she can smell that he is looking for a mother figure.  She goes in for the kill…..

e) Exchange of numbers……….if things don’t work out with the girlfriend, “call me” she says.  And I laugh so hard that they glance at me. 

4. I get to DE, Ryan picks me up.  We hit the road and I can feel the allergies start to hit me.   Mind you, I am still in a city at this point. On the way there we pick up a HUGE Vitamin Water and a HUGE actual water.  I finish both within 2 hours.  I now realize that I was severely dehydrated from all of the allergy medication.

5. We get to my buddy’s parent’s house who are hosting our campout/bon fire/ bachelor party.

6. There is a keg of………..Pabst. Blue. Ribbon.  Yep, that how this is going to go……..

7. It was 88 degrees.  (Think…heat + drinking + a bunch of frat boys)

8. 70 pounds of meat being cooked. For 25 people.  Yes, there were leftovers. That being said,  I ate enough pulled pork to kill a baby rhino.

9. Saw some people for the first time in a couple of years.  It was good to catch up.  For the most part all of my friends are doing well.  It is good to see.

10.  Mosquitos!!!!  Are you fucking kidding me!  It is May 1st.  I was not prepared for that.

11. A couple of guys showed up ( I did not know them) and were pretty drunk.  One packed a dip and then passed out within a half hour of showing up (5 pm) and the other ended up stripping (the only stripper at the party) and trying to fight numerous people he did not know.  I was one of them (more on that later)

12. DERBY TIME!!!!!!   By the grace of God, one of my friend’s parent’s (the hosts of this shin dig) neighbors had a “man cabin” in his backyard and he invited us all over there to watch the Derby.  This cabin was great.  Fridge full of beer, a TV, a stove.  He could have lived there.  Of course I’m thinking “Where the fuck am I?   I just went from a field to a “man cabin” in Smyna, DE.  This is bizarre.”  Either way, I drank a mint Julip (thanks Dave) and saw the race.

13. Bon fire time.  There were 2 things of note that were set on fire.  The first were video tapes of a spring break trip to Puerto Vallarta. (I did go on this trip)  There are 3 or 4 people who are ELATED that these tapes no longer exist.  ELATED. (Not that I am E- fucking- lated that those tapes went in the fire)  The second was my t-shirt.  It was thrown in the fire the next morning after I had to use it as a handkerchief due to the enormous allergy attack I suffered in the middle of the night. 

14. As soon as the sun went down things went downhill. I was drained.  After drinking all day, the heat, the allergy medicine, I had nothing left.  That doesn’t mean other people didn’t.  One kid that I did not know, decided to strip down to his boxer shorts.  He was running through the fire. He did cartwheels.  He jacked up his boxers to make them look like a thong ( may I remind everyone that this is a 97% male bachelor party)  What the fuck.  So the kid stumbles and knocks into me.  I tell him to stay away from me.  “Don’t fucking touch me”  I felt was appropriate to say to a male who is half naked and acting like an idiot.  He then wanted to fight me for “talking shit”  What is this?  7th grade?  I ignored it knowing that the kid was just not worth the time.

As it turns out he tried to fight several other people.  One person over food, one over a drinking game, and another for being “disrespectful” (that is great drunk talk right there).  I was woken up at 1 am because people were screaming at each other while wasted and threatening each other. (Nice.  Glad we are all adults)   Not saying I have never been “that guy”, but I am sure glad I wasn’t this time.

15.  When I was in a barn playing games that did not involve drinking and I was throwing washers into a piece of wood with round holes in it I called it a night.  I think I was the first to go to bed at around 11.

Worst night of sleep ever.   Between yelling idiots, the heat, the allergy attack……….my thoughts turned to:  why am I not sleeping at a Holiday Inn?

16. Woke up at 7 am.  I was back in Manhattan by 12:15.  Glorious, cement laden, Manhattan.


I wasn’t going to show up to this event.  For a number of reasons.  Two weekends in a row going to DE is a lot.  I didn’t consider it to be a “real” bachelor party because the groom’s fiance was going to be there.   It was pretty much going to be drinking beer in someone’s parent’s backyard.   So as of Wednesday of last week I was going to skip it. 

Then something hit me.  This isn’t about what I wanted.  Yes, I thought the entire concept was …………lacking, but this was not about me.  It was not about what I thought a bachelor party should or should not be.  It wasn’t about where we were going to be.  It was about my friend. 

It would have been entirely selfish for me not to show up.  It was not my day……. it was his.  If he wanted his fiance there, she should be there.  If he wanted to drink PBR from a keg, we should drink it.  If he wanted to have the party in a field in Smyrna, DE, I should find a way to get there.

On Sunday morning I had 3 hours of sleep, 126 mosquito bites, bad memories of 25 year old male running around a fire half naked, an upset stomach, a runny nose, blood-shot eyes, a headache, and a  t-shirt that needed to be thrown into a fire. 

And yes, I would do it again.