What if I lived 2,000 years ago?

by agoodnow

Last night I was hot.  I mean, burning hot.  Between running and the humidity my body temperature must have been 109 degrees.  I broke down and turned on the AC.  My allergies were again hurting so I popped a Zyrtec.  I watched a little TV,  put my glasses on my night stand and called it a night.   I woke up this morning and my ears, nose, and throat were on fire.  I felt hungover from the allergy medicine.  Groggy. 

As I was standing in the shower I thought to myself, “Wow, what if you lived in a time without allergy medicine?  A time without AC?  A time where they had yet to invent glasses? 

Got me to thinking about how long I would have lasted 2,000 years ago.  What exactly would I bring to the table in a world where I would not be equipped with such modern marvels as an office to work out of, an apartment with locks on the door, or any of the allergy medications that keep me going on a daily basis?

Here is what I came up with.

Shelter:  Oh, I’d be fucked.  Zero mechanical inclination. Therefore, I would be looking for some sort of cave.  The problem with caves…..they are usually occupied by rogues, bears, or lions (at least in any story I’ve ever read about biblical times)  Due to the fact that I would not have the nutrition that I have today my guess is that I would weigh about 125 pounds and would be unable to fend off criminals or bears (because at 190 I can fight a bear…..)  I would be forced to purchase a dwelling.

Which leads me to how I would pay for the dwelling:

Work:  Ok, so I can not build anything nor can I assemble them, so being a smith, a carpenter, or a shoe maker are all out.  I have the worst allergies in the world, so being a farmer is out.  Animals hate me, so there goes being a Shepard.  I get sea-sick so there goes being a fisherman or sailor.  Not all that good at fighting (and again, I would be 125 pounds) so out goes being a soldier.  Even digging graves would upset my allergies and without gloves, think about the blisters?  No thanks. 

Now I do not have a home or a job………..Which leads me to….

Finding a mate:  I don’t have a home, a cave, or any means to support myself.  I’m sneezing a lot from the allergies.  I’m skinny.  Without glasses my vision is awful.  So I end up with a girl who has  a “nice personality”.   We end up living in her parent’s cave.  Her mother is always nagging me about getting a job, her dad thinks I’m a bum, and my ugly wife cries all day.  I go on long walks to escape for days at a time and end up drinking too much “berry juice”.  Drunk for days at a time I return home, to the cave, only to get yelled at for a few hours before heading back out to get more “juice”.

So I’m realizing just how lucky I am to live in an age where I can work for a large insurance company where I need no skills other than my charming personality and ability to problem solve.  I pay rent in an apartment that someone else built and maintains.  I can eat what someone else grows/kills for me.  I can date a pretty girl because I can actually see her.

(I also look damn good in these glasses)