The Cheeto Incident – (a work of fiction)

by agoodnow

I am going to tell a COMPLETELY FICTICIOUS story.  This story is by no means a reflection of any real event that may have taken place in my office. Today. Between 1:07 pm and 1:50 pm.

Please feel free to pass along any thoughts you have on it.  I like the idea of the story, but it needs work.

The Cheeto Incident

The main character in this story, Ondrew, is sitting in a conference room.  His company hosts sessions called “Lunch and Learns”, but due to recent corporate cutbacks they no longer serve lunch.  It has been proposed that the sessions be renamed “Hungry for knowledge”, but the executive team feels that title to be in “bad taste”.   Ondrew is listening to a presentation on legislation pertaining to the annuitization of participant directed assets coming out of a retirement plan. 

Words can not capture the excitement that filled the conference room.

Ondrew sits at the large table scribbling notes to himself.  Get rich quick schemes mostly.  Hoping that one of them will finally be his ticket out of the cubicle.  Once in a while he will look up and scratch his chin as if to look interested.  He thinks he sells it well.

Today’s get rich quick schemes include a website that helps edit best man speeches for appropriate(ness) and  a tour guide company that will explore Lower Manhattan.  Either way, he is glad to be immersed in his own thoughts.  His mind far, far away from annuities.

As the meeting has been in session for 7 minutes a large figure walks into the room.  His name is……Jack.  Jack is a dinosaur.  Aged near retirement, his hair is grey, his posture a bit slouched.  He could be an advertisement for a Men’s Big and Tall store.  He is not fat, but he is large.  Think Brontosauras.

Jack has had an………..interesting career at XYZ insurance company located at 200 Park Ave in Manhattan.  He pretty much hit the jackpot and married the CEO’s daughter years ago.  The man is what some might call untouchable.  (Sitting on Jack’s desk is a birthday card that reads “To my Son-In-Law for his Birthday”)  There is more than one story that involves a company dinner and this man drinking to the point of excess.  Lengendary stories.   Stories that would have the mere mortal employee standing in the breadlines.  This guy….this guy runs the lottery business for an insurance company.  He literally……..hit the jackpot.

Jack moves into the room.  No notebook.  No pen.  No print out of the deck that was distributed before hand.  He mopes in slowly, grabs a piece of paper on the table (a paper that has nothing to do with the presentation.  It looked like it was on Dental insurance) and throws it down.  Jack is disinterested.  He does not want to be there.

Five minutes after his grand entrance Jack has had enough.  He gets up and walks out.  Of course, Jack reports to no one.  He can come and go as he pleases.  If the topic were something he cared about he might have stayed.

Five minutes later he re-enters the room.  With a Coke. And a PLATE of Cheetos.  There is nowhere on the floor that he could have gotten this many Cheetos.  It is mind boggling to every person in the room where he came up with this mountain of cheesy snacks.  Everyone in the room exchanges glances as if to say, “Where the fuck did this come from.”

Jack sits back down and eats his massive pile of food and sips his Coke.  Like an only child, he does not offer to share.

At one point Jack does not like what the gentleman running the meeting has to say.  He throws a handful of Cheetos at him.  He then laughs.  It is, in fact, quite funny.  You don’t see that everyday.  It is what we all want to do……….just act out in the middle of a boring meeting.  Throw your papers in the air and scream.  But Jack has a golden ticket/get out of jail free/bullet proof vest. 

All the while Ondrew is sitting at the table, dreaming of being somewhere else.  Dreaming that he never has to work for someone like Jack. Dreaming that one day he might be able to throw his Cheetos in the air without reprecussion.