When Pandas Speak

When Pandas Speak

By: AJG

A giant panda eats bamboo at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Chengdu

Lou and Lang are two Pandas at the Washington, DC Zoo.  They sit around and eat a lot.  Lou happens to be an angry Panda.   
 
It is Mid-July and the summer heat is unbearable.  
 
Lou is becoming irritated by the plethora of flash photography on such a hot day.

“I swear to God I’m going to fucking eat that guy if he takes one more fucking picture of me. I’m not kidding. One more picture you touriest asshole and you leg is bam-fucking-boo.”
 
“Lou, calm down.  The guy is just on vacation and obviously has some form of Panda thing.  Relax.  Revel in the fact that you are providing this sad, sad man with some form of weird joy.” – Lang says with a huge shoot of bamboo in his mouth.
 
“Joy?  Joy?  That motherfucker is blinding me with the flash photography of his ‘joy'”
Lou puts both paws up as if to make quotation marks around the word joy but it looks more like he is giving a giant high-five to the air.
 
“That’s it.  I’m gonna get him.  How the hell do you get out of this reserve?”
 
Lang looks puzzled

“I’m not sure we can.”
 
“Fuck that, there must be a way.”
 
Lang nods his fat Panda head back and forth and thinks for a moment as if he has some form of Panda intellect.  
 
“You know, I’ve never even tried.  The guys dressed in that weird outfit come in and give me more bamboo than I could ever finish in one sitting, so I’m pretty happy.”
 
“Fuck that.  Someone is getting eaten………..TOOOO  DAY!!!!!”
 
“Lou, I think you are being irrational.  Remember the time the squirrel was in the reserve and you chased him around for 3 straight days.  Remember?  ”
 
“Don’t remind me.” Lou said with a degree of Panda anger in his voice.
 
“Exactly, you ended up in an isolation cage for five days while the white coat people probed you in places………..”
 
“I said, don’t remind me!!!!”
 
Lou is now clearly angry and there is a hint of blood lust in his eyes.
 
“I want out of this cage and I want to eat that guys fucking leg.”
 
“Lou, he just left.” 
 
“I don’t care.  I’ll stalk the motherfucker all over this park if I need to.”
 
“You aren’t much of a predator animal.”
 
“Fuck that.  I come from the wild bitch. ”
 
“You were artificially inseminated and have lived in captivity your whole life.”
 
“Shut your mouth, half moon cookie looking Panda.”
 
Lang sighs….
 
Lou starts digging his large black paws into the dirt as if he is about to jump the large, steep ravine separating him from the tourists.
 
“I’m doing it.  I’m going to jump this ravine and I’m going to eat one of those bastards.  That will give them something to take a picture of…..”
 
“Lou, stop.   you are going to hurt yourself.  We both know it.  Just stop….”
 
Too late…..Lou charges full steam ahead.  the tourists start taking more pictures as the thousand pound animal runs clumsily toward the ravine.  His fat jiggling and his head flopping up and down.  He jumps.
 
 
Just then a voice from the crowd yells, “Oh shit, that Panda just tried to commit suicide!!!!!”