If you can’t laugh at yourself…..

by agoodnow

I have about 9,000 (enter relevant unit of measure here) of caffeine in me right now. 

Before getting to work I figured that  I would grab the “venti” (I could go on a tangent about how fucking stupid Starbucks sizes are.  No really.  How stupid are their sizes?  A small is “tall”?  In what world does that make sense?  You are stupid Starbucks. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  It is medium.  MEDIUM!!!!  Not Grande.  And what the fuck is Venti?  Is that some cool term for big?  How did they come up with this? 

At a meeting:

D-bag Starbucks guy #1: I have an idea.  Instead of using the sizes that everyone else uses – small, medium, and large.  What we will do is change the names to make them sounds fancier and raise the prices. 

The rest of the D-bag Starbucks people:   Sooooo……………what should we call the sizes?  I mean…..we are still going to use English, right?

D-bag Starbucks guy #1: How the fuck should I know?  Let that hot, Italian intern (could be male, could be female…who knows)  name them.  I’m going down to a coffee shop to listen to Indie music, while using free Wi-fi, and looking like a filthy hipster.

End of tangent.

So I got the “venti” coffee because I had a meeting with my boss to discuss my “activity” (it was a short talk) and because I wanted to mask the scent of whiskey on my breath.   So I’m drinking my enormous venti iced coffee – which tasted like burnt, tart coffee beans and thinking…..maybe some Bailey’s would taste good with this.   I refrained, but the thought and overall intentions were certainly there.   Meanwhile I’m listening to music that I…………and yes, this is a new low for me…….drunk downloaded last night.  I woke up and literally said out loud, “What the fuck is this?  No. No. No.  I don’t even like Dave Matthews.” 

So now I’m holding a coffee, thinking about putting a sweet liquor in it to brighten what is looking to be a fairly bleak day, listening to Dave Matthews, and thinking about what I’m going to tell my boss about my activity other than “Yeah, I lost 2 clients this week and approximately $2 million dollars in assets.   But more importantly….are you and your family prepared for this hurricane?” 

I got into the elevator and closed my eyes until it jolted to a stop at my floor and said to myself, “You really should not be here today”

When I got to my desk there were two things waiting for me.  A cup of coffee and an email from my boss wondering how in the world I thought submitting a $130 cell phone bill was even remotely acceptable. 

Well, at least the coffee was good.

I’m looking forward to this hurricane.