It's All Goodnow……

A monkey could do your job!!!

You know the old adage that “a monkey could do your job” 

Yeah, well. ………..I might be in trouble. 

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/India-will-use-monkey-security-force-for-Commonw?urn=oly-273374 

This is not a joke.  The Indian government is using monkeys as security guards in order to keep other monkeys away.

Me, I’m updating my resume.

Union Square – People Watching

Last night I had to meet someone who I found on Craigslist in Union Square.  I know what you are thinking.  No, no…..I did not meet a “Random Hook-up” or whatever it is called.    It was to pick up my Gaslight Anthem tickets. 

I met the kid ( I say kid because he goes to NYU and looks like he is 19) and I handed over $50 and he handed me what looks like an authentic ticket for a concert.  We’ll see when I get to the door tonight.

After our transaction I took a moment to look around.  I sat down and jotted down some notes.   Enjoy:

Union Square – 5:07 pm – Wednesday

There is a “Go Green” event here in Union Square today.  This is the definition of “preaching to the choir”.  Look at all of these hippies.  If you want to have a fair that aims to promote “Green” products (Solar, wind, waste hauling) set up your booths in a place like Grand Central where people have money to spend on things like solar panels.   When you look around Union Square it is a collection of students and people without jobs.   I bet a lot of these people are artists…….

Sidenote – a squirrel just jumped on me.  It thoroughly startled me and the Swedish exchange student sitting to my left is in shock.

The people here are….I’m not saying the dregs of society, but wow. There are these things called showers that you can use.  You do not have to get every inch of your bodies pierced or tattooed.  Your clothes do not have to be hanging off of you or so tight that you cannot fit into them.  There is a middle ground here.

How do you people support yourselves?

There must have been some issues here in Union Square as there are cops everywhere. None of them appear to be overly amused by what is surrounding them.   Miserable would be the word I’d used.  They all look miserable.

Some of the people sitting around (loitering if you will) look equally miserable.  Is it drugs?  Is it life?  Is it because you are sitting here with nothing better to do?  Yeah, I’m thinking a lot of these people are “artists”.

Sidenote – Some guy has his shirt off.  He is brushing things away from his body that cannot be seen.  (I think he might be crazy)  Oh, he is crazy.  He is wearing a Red Sox jersey.

This whole scene makes little sense to me, but maybe I’m not meant to understand.  This isn’t my scene.  Not my crowd. I do not wear black eye make up.  Then again, these people must look at me like I’m nuts. 

“Putting on a suit every day and going to work in some office.  That guy must be nuts!  Who would want to do that?  Guy must be stupid.”  – I can see half of the people sitting around the park saying that.  They might not be too far off either.

So this is what happens when people do not have internet access at all times.  They interact in an odd and bizarre fashion.   I see nothing productive here.  Nothing useful.  But again, I’m the outsider wearing Brooks Brothers and drinking a Starbucks.  I’m yuppie scum in this cesspool.

Sidenote – There is an anorexic blond girl wearing a skirt that is entirely too tight and low (not complaining, just commenting) walking around to every group of people she can find.  My guess needs a smoke or looking for drugs.  I doubt I’m far off. (For some reason she avoids me.  I bet I look like I’m undercover.)

To listen to some of them speak is sad.  Nothing coming from their mouths seemed to be said to completion.  A laugh, a giggle.   Always something to interrupt a thought that might have otherwise had purpose.

Their IQ’s are most likely 50 points higher than mine, but the maturity levels are twenty years lower.

I would compare this scene to the movie “Big Daddy”  –  In it Adam Sandler begins taking care of this little kid and let’s him do everything he wants.  Let’s him wear what he wants, eat what he wants, act how he wants.   That is sort of what these people/kids/ruffians are like.  They are a bunch of 8 year old who will not be told what to do. 

I suggest heading down to Union Square and people watching for a few moments.  It is worth the price of admission.

The Park at Night

On Friday evening I went down to meet a good buddy of mine for some drinks.

Let’s start by saying that we went to two bars.  I have not been to either of them in over a year.  At both bars I knew the bartenders.  Like shake hands, catch up on how they are doing type of knowing.  My friend….. “How the fuck do you know all of these bartenders?”

This ain’t my first rodeo.

We had a great evening and at around 12:20 I decided it was time for me to go home. I got on (what I thought was the F train) the subway.  Soon enough I realized that I was on the Upper West Side. Hmmm……not good.

Sidenote – After looking at a subway map, I realize that I got on the B train.  How or why I got on the B train is beyond me.  I don’t even like the letter “B”.

I emerged out of the subway station and onto Central Park West.  How should I get back to my apartment?   A cab was out of the question.  I went out drinking and if I spent anymore money I would be over budget.  Can’t let that happen. 

Oh, I have a great idea!  Seeing how it is now 1 am, let’s venture through the Park!!!!!   Nothing bad ever happens in the park.  It is a beautiful sanctuary.

(note to self – 38% of all crime in NYC takes place in the Park after dark)

As I entered the Park (though drunk) I realized how stupid this was.  I mean, really, really dumb.  

Let me tell you, it is dark in that Park at night.   Quiet.   Eerie.  I’m not saying I was scared.  I’m just saying that I wasn’t not scared.

So I was walking…..walking.  Oh look, a squirrel.  That’s cute.  I think I’ll take this path heading east……….

Well hello there man with his penis in his hand. 

He waved at me.  Then he proceeded to pee on the walking path. 

It was a nice moment for both of us.  I know it really added something to my night.

So now that I’ve walked past the half naked, urinating man I start walking a bit faster as I was not entirely in the mood to interact with that gentlemen.  I mean, I doubt he was able to wash his hands and further more I have some real doubts about him carrying some form of hand sanitizer.  Nevermind that he was exposing himself in the Park at night. 

I just didn’t want that headache.

So I’m walking, I’m walking.  Two scantily clad young ladies walk by.  I realize that the reason I am walking through the park in the first place is that I had already spent all of the money in my budget for the day.  I guess there is no cash leftover for a lady of the night.   Darn.  I could have been Richard Gere for a night.  They look me up and down.  I look back.  They realize that I’m an upstanding guy with no money (well, maybe they take Visa, I mean…..the advertisement says Visa is “Everywhere you want to be”)   I tell them to watch out for the man with his penis in his hand.  They thank me (no, not that way)

I see the outlet to the East side of Manhattan.  Oh 5th Ave.  What a site!!!!   It was like finding the promised land.  Only the promise isn’t anything other than a false sense of security and slightly better lighting.

Then it hits me.  I still have over a MILE to walk before I get home AND I’m sobering up.  Hmmm……do I pass any bars on the way home?  The answer…….NO.  I went home.  I peed. (You know, like a human being.  In a toilet.  Not in a public park at night. In the middle of a walking path.  Waving to people.)  I washed my hands (Again, like a functioning member of society).  Then I went to grab some late night pizza (The pizza put me $5.50 over budget for the day)

Good night.