by agoodnow

I have come to the conclusion that I need to relax.   I worry too much and not enough.  I do.  I worry constantly. I go many nights without sleep.  I have chest pains.  My heart races.  All for no good reason.  I just worry.  I suppose I do enough stupid things that worrying does make some sense, but I wish I didn’t.  I wish I didn’t lie in bed thinking about all of my problems (of which, as you may have noticed, there are many)

Just right now I realized I forgot something.  I’m worrying about it.  I can feel my hair going grey.  

I think that is why I tend to self medicate.  It makes sense.  I need to relax.  Of course, there are most likely better ways to cope with stress and anxiety, but that’s mine.  For better, worse, and ultimately to my detriment.

I go to a bar near my work.  Once in a while I will meet a friend there.  When I sit down I always look for two empty seats together.  When I sit down I stress about keeping the seat open.  I put drinks in front of it.  I place my coat on the back of it.  I worry.  I am nearly vigilant about it.  And for what?  Why should that stress me out?  But it does.  It does a lot.  I am uncomfortable until my friend gets there. 

No way to live life.

I grind my teeth.  I am tense.  I eat my food VERY fast.  I pace.  I have a tough time sitting still.  I have panic attacks. 

I guess you could say I’m a train wreck. 

I keep saying I’m a work in progress.  Which we all are.  I’d just like to see that progress help me calm down.