I have come to the conclusion that I need to relax. I worry too much and not enough. I do. I worry constantly. I go many nights without sleep. I have chest pains. My heart races. All for no good reason. I just worry. I suppose I do enough stupid things that worrying does make some sense, but I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t lie in bed thinking about all of my problems (of which, as you may have noticed, there are many)
Just right now I realized I forgot something. I’m worrying about it. I can feel my hair going grey.
I think that is why I tend to self medicate. It makes sense. I need to relax. Of course, there are most likely better ways to cope with stress and anxiety, but that’s mine. For better, worse, and ultimately to my detriment.
I go to a bar near my work. Once in a while I will meet a friend there. When I sit down I always look for two empty seats together. When I sit down I stress about keeping the seat open. I put drinks in front of it. I place my coat on the back of it. I worry. I am nearly vigilant about it. And for what? Why should that stress me out? But it does. It does a lot. I am uncomfortable until my friend gets there.
No way to live life.
I grind my teeth. I am tense. I eat my food VERY fast. I pace. I have a tough time sitting still. I have panic attacks.
I guess you could say I’m a train wreck.
I keep saying I’m a work in progress. Which we all are. I’d just like to see that progress help me calm down.