It's All Goodnow……

I did it my way

Yep.   It happens.  We have bad nights.  I had one tonight. 

Sorry.  And thanks.

Have you ever been so upset that you shook?

Have you ever been so in the right that you wanted a medal?

Have you ever thought to yourself……….wow, that’s fucked up.

Have you ever been confused?

When is the last time you wanted to run, just to feel free.

Have you ever taken a chance?

Have you ever put it all out there?

Have you ever said, I will have no regrets?

When you die, will you be able to say………..I did it my way?  I hope you can.  I really do.  If not, it is sad.  You deserve to have done it the way you wanted. 

Yeah, I am having one of those nights.

I promised myself tonight that I would never again spit up blood because of work.  I plan on keeping that promise.

Greatness

What would you define as greatness?  What would it take for you to achieve what you feel would be great?

I have been asking myself how I will be great at something.  How will I become the absolute best I can be?  How will I write the best book I can?  How will I earn more money?  How will I end up waking up every day with a sense of purpose.  Jump out of bed and say, “Let’s FUCKING do this!!!”  I want to feel the way one of my friends did before he got married when he looked at all of his groomsmen and said to us, “I’m not nervous, I just can’t wait to marry this girl.”  I want that feeling each and every time I get out of bed.  I want to be excited.  I want to feel an urgency.  I want to be happy.

Frankly, I want greatness.  I want a sense of being fulfilled.  I want more. I want to inspire others.  I want to make other people’s lives better.  I want to spend my days being happy.  I do not want to be scared any longer.  I do not want to lie in bed wondering why I am so anxious. 

I’m not sure if it is because it is sunny today.  Maybe it is because I just had lunch with two wonderful people who wanted to offer their help in a section of my life that is severely lacking (the part I am not “allowed” to write about here).  Maybe it is because I just walked home and was in the midst of having a full-blown panic attack (started sweating profusely, breathing was heavy and labored, and chest tightened) when I decided that I need to take back control.  I need to cut loose from what I am doing on a daily basis.  I need to allow myself an opportunity to fail.  Because right now I am failing slowly.  Every single day I fail a little more.  By not taking a chance on myself I am failing myself. 

I think I’m worth the risk.  I think it is time to bet on Andrew.  I think it is time to stop putting my self-worth in “what I do” or how much I make.  I am done being nervous when I wake up in the morning.  I’m done not being someone I would want to be (I’m not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me)

I have made a ton of mistakes in my life.  A ton.  But I’m ready to start learning from them.  I’m ready to move forward.  I’m ready to get off the treadmill and onto the road, the path, the hill.  I’m ready to climb that goddamned mountain because life is short, sitting behind a desk is a slow death, and I’m ready to put  my chips on the table. 

I’m ready to live a simpler life.  I’m ready to make this work.  I’m ready because it is ok to fail, but it is not ok for me not to try.