Another Man Touched My Testicles
Yep, that is correct. My annual physical was Tuesday. Something I dread, yet get done once a year for the following reasons:
1. Not a huge fan of needles. Not that I am afraid of them, just not into sticking metal objection into my body for the purpose of extracting something. I hate getting my blood drawn. I almost passed out once. It isn’t the needle, it is the feeling of the blood leaving my body.
Let’s be honest here, if you like needles and getting your blood drawn….you are a fucking weirdo. No really, if you are reading this and you are “into needles” leave a comment so that everyone can see that you are a weirdo.
2. They did an EKG on me. Now, I wasn’t thinking Monday night. Had I been, I would have shaved my chest. Thus eliminating the whole scene from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” where he gets his chest waxed. The nurse took off a patch of hair with the electrode. Let me tell you, that felt fan-fucking-tastic.
3. Boy – waiting rooms sure are fun. The sterile nature, the 3 month old magazines that people who are there to get STD tests have been passing around like a joint. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
4. “Do you have a co-pay?”
“No, I don’t. We went over this for an hour last time and I asked you to write it down in my chart to avoid such a thing THIS TIME. I get my annual physical covered. So let’s not try to shake me down too hard here. I know there are Mercedes payments that need to be paid, but I also have to pay for my Metrocard this month. ”
5. “Your blood just isn’t moving fast enough.” says the nurse as my hand is turning purple, I’m sweating like I’m under a Bush-style interrogation (I’m not hating on it, just using a good analogy here), and I’m visibly shaking.
Well, what do you ya want me to do about this lady? Find a better vein next time.
6. “Ok, drop your pants”
Now here’s the deal – I get that he’s just checking the glands, giving it the once over for any “not supposed to be there bumps”, and making sure I do not have a lump on my testicles. I do……but man is that uncomfortable. I just twitched thinking about it (not a good twitch)
Of course, I feel better when he asks how old I am and after I respond with 29 he says, “Oh boy, you are getting close to the digital rectal exam” and then laughs.
Hmmmmmm…….hey doc, how about this…you write out that Xanex and we’ll talk.
7. He asked me what was going on in my life and when I told him he gave me the number to a therapist he knows. I told him I already have one, to which he responded. “Never hurts to talk to someone else.”
Guess he has a point.
So here is the point of my little story. I feel better after I go to the doctor. Because it is better to go in and know if something is wrong rather than live a life of ignorance…….especially when it comes to health. I’m doing this one time. Once. Let’s live healthy. I don’t always treat my body so well and making sure the blood pressure is on target, my lipids are in control and my liver and kidney still function are important.
Here is the other thing – I am honest with my doctor.
How much do you drink ? – I tell him
How many sexual partners? – I round up
Do you exercise? – I brag about running a marathon
Any stress in your life? – You mean other than quitting my job and not knowing what I want to do with my life? Oh, fuck no.
Again, let him or her help you. That is their job. To help you be healthy. I stay away from prescription anything personally and ask what I can do to avoid them. They know about this stuff. Use them. Afterall, your insurance company is paying a whole lot for that “free annual physical”
To anyone reading. Go to the doctor at least once a year. You deserve to be healthy. Your family deserves for you to be healthy.
Yours In Good Health (until I get the results of my blood work next week)