It was raining in Brooklyn yesterday morning. Which was odd because the first time I ever woke up in Brooklyn was on a grey morning. Of course, it was much colder that day.
I finally said the things that I needed to say. Ended something that needed to end. Now I can move forward. Because I am the type of person who hangs on too long. I kept imagining a different outcome. A payoff for three years of on and off and on and off. But as with so many things in life ….it just didn’t materialize. There were times when it could have. Times I thought, “ya know, maybe this could work.” What it comes down to is that you just can’t wait for someone to change her mind. I mean, that is all I was doing. Waiting….hoping something would click. There would be an epiphany. But sometimes, things don’t change.
So as with many things in my life. I didn’t like what was happening so I left. I actually just walked out the door without saying goodbye. (which really pissed her off and she yelled at me to get back in her apartment which I find hysterical..it took me wanting to leave before she wanted me there)
What was the point? Why not me? What the fuck?
I’m upset, but happy. Moderately happy. Kind of like I just got punched in the face BUT it didn’t hurt that much happy. If that makes any sense? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows.
Part of me thinks I deserved this. It was the combination of several ex girlfriends getting their revenge in the form of a 35 year old woman living in Park Slope. Well, ladies….you can put down the voodoo dolls….you won this round.
Time to start over.
At least this time things have ended (there have been three or four other “ends” to this charade) without me ending up in a therapist’s office or in a gutter. Both very positive things.
I think my last thought on this is that I knew it had to end, but I didn’t want it to. I wanted more. And she could have given it, she just didn’t want to. And part of me is very sad about that. For both of us.