Confused Engagements

I have long feared this day.   It is not a day where I am angry.  Not a day where I am sad.  Not a day where I am jealous. But it is a day that I have feared.

There are certain things that I enjoy about my life.  Among them:

1. Freedom

2. New York City

3. Ability to go to Europe

4. Writing

5. My friends

6. New England Sports

7. Beautiful women

8. Golf

9. Beer

10….Most important, my family

 

Ok, so here is one thing I fear.  Being left behind.  Everyone else moving forward while I stay where I am.  It isn’t that I am so far behind.  I have had the corporate job.  Made a (very) little bit of money.  Have traveled.  Wrote a book.  Have loved some great women.  But what I have feared is that people who have been in my life will surpass me.

And it isn’t good.  Not bad. Not terrible, but I did find out that my college girlfriend is engaged.  Now I would not be writing about this if I did not find it important.  Because I do.  But for some reason it is escaping me as to why this is important to me.  I’m not hurt, but there is something that hurts about it.  I can’t put my finger on it.  I will go on the record as saying that I have no need to get back together with her.  It ended for a reason.  We weren’t right for one another.  But fuck me.  I feel very…..lost about it.  Is that right?  Does that make sense.  Like someone who (long ago) was part of my life is now moving forward when I’m ……well……..still single (which isn’t horrible) and pretty much in the same place as when we broke up (except location-wise).

So I’m sitting here, drinking a beer and thinking about a long, long time ago. Maybe I am romancing the stone.  But maybe it is OK to look back and think about the good things.  It is OK not to be upset by this.  It is OK to think “Her being happy is a good thing”.  But I also know something else.  This is the last thing I want to talk about.  I am glad I can write about it, but fuck me.  When you discuss things like marriage with someone and they are planning to marry someone else….I guess I wonder a lot of things right now.

I’m getting old.  Shit like this never happened to 20 year old Andrew.

Congrats kid.  All the happiness in the world.