I Hate Pit Bulls

by agoodnow

I drafted Michael Vick with my first pick in a fantasy football draft.  Which is ironic because I like dogs, but I hate pit bulls.  No really, I HATE pit bulls.  I think they are ugly, mean, and unpredictable.  Why can’t people just get a Golden Retriever?  They are cute and otherwise, awesome.   They might lick you to death or wag their tail too hard.  You can run with them.  They won’t cost you extra on your homeowners insurance policy. 

I mean, if you need to have a guard/attack dog.  Sure pit bull sounds like a great animal for that. But if you want a family pet I think one might want to reconsider such things.  I simply wouldn’t risk my five year kid’s (please note – I do not have children – that I know of)  life because I thought having a pit bull was a good idea.

And have you seen people who own pit bulls?  They scare me.  Seriously, they look mean.  Like, “Hi, I’m going to stab you in the heart and then my large attack dog is going to eat you.”   That is what I think when I see someone walking a pit bull.  I really do.  Any dog that you HAVE to use a metal leash for is not an animal I particularly want to pet.  Why have a dog if nobody wants to play with it?  If I were going to own a dog as a single guy a pit bull would be the last thing on the list.  Even below a yappy, purse dog.  I would not purchase an animal that would scare young women away.  I think that when a single guy buys a dog it means he is ready to settle down and get married.  And what better way to meet women?  I have yet to meet a girl who says, “I fucking hate puppies.”   And frankly, I don’t think I would want to date a girl who doesn’t like puppies.  What kind of sick human being doesn’t like puppies?  Come on!!!

Or how about this….own a really fat cat.  Like world record type of fat.  It would be a conversation piece.  “Hey is that a stuffed anim………holy shit that thing is real!!! My lord, that fucking cat is huge!  What do you feed it?”  See much safer than a pit bull. 

There is also the option of buying a ferret.  Now, sure they might bite, but they are so small that I doubt anyone would die.  And again, how many people have a ferret?  I will answer that, not many.  A little weird, sure.  But then again a ferret will not chomp down on your child’s head a shake him/her to death.  There needs to be a cost / benefit analysis here.  Weirdo vs. allowing the death of your kid at the hands of a wild beast in the disguise of a domesticated animal.

Try this on – take in a convicted felon.  He can live in your home.  Play with your children.  Wander around your house smelling things and making shanks out of ordinary household objects (legos, forks, a picture frame that used to contain a family photo from a Disney vacation).  You can feed him.  Get him medical care.  Cut off his balls.  Hoping that he doesn’t snap and harm your children at any given moment. 

Who wants to own a dog that you have to CUT ITS TAIL OFF! 

1. That’s just cruel.  How would you like it is somebody cut off your arm because you moved it too much? 

2. It is like saying to the dog, “you just aren’t good enough for us the way you are.”  What do you think that does to the dog’s self-esteem?

3. It means the dog is too fucking strong if its tail is knocking over chairs.


Do us all a favor, get a Golden and name it something cool like “Fat Bastard Corned Beef Reuben” 

(That is the name I gave my hampster that my cat ate)