Andrew’s Christmas Update Letter

by agoodnow

This is the time of year when people send out family update letters.  So I figured I would write my own here on the blog because I know everyone is just on pins and needles to hear what Andrew did in 2011!!!! 


Dear Friends and Family,

2011 has been something of an interesting year.  Let’s start with Mega Millions.  I did not win it.  Can you believe that?  I sure can’t.  The odds have to be mounting in my favor eventually which is good because I have been living a crazy lifestyle this year.  I’m talking I make it rain nightly.  Between the trips to the strip club and the bottle service I get at the clubs……let’s just say every night is New Year’s Eve.  So let’s hope for some better luck in 2012 because the credit card companies wake me up daily at 11 am and that just doesn’t work for me. 

Speaking of the strip club…..I met a lovely girl named Misty.  I met her when we were doing lines of blow in the strip club bathroom.  She is very charming and claims to be working her way through school, though she is 26 and sleeps most of the day until she has to get up for her shift.  Maybe she is taking those classes online.  Who knows?  She and I actually got matching tattoos.  (we both got pandas smoking a joint on our upper thigh.)It was my way of marking my territory for when she is grinding up on dudes making that money.   So that has been exciting, though I tend to wake up and there is never any money in my wallet and she is gone.  I also lost my watch since I met her, but she sure is sweet.

I got fired from my job.  Something about spending company funds on “excessive” entertainment.  Apparently those large corporations are able to figure out that “Delihla’s Steakhouse” is actually a dirty strip club in Philadelphia.  Questions started popping up because A) I don’t work in Philadelphia  B) I didn’t have any clients in Philadelphia   C)  My boss knew that I was attending a bachelor party that weekend.  That and something about keeping a flask in my desk….I don’t know.  I thought it would be cool after watching so many episodes of Mad Men where they begin drinking at like 10 am.  Stupid TV lying to me. 

I started body building which has been great.  I figured that all I had to do was start doing steroids and BOOM,  I’d be jacked.  Odd though, that isn’t how it works.  I guess you need to lift weights too which is too bad because I don’t have a gym membership.   So now I’m fat.  We’re talking definitely fat.  Obese even.  And the acne.  I have pimples in places I didn’t know one could get pimples.  I had a zit on my earlobe.  Have you ever seen that?  It was a first for me too.  And the anger……….phew, I got into an argument with the guy at Subway over the amount number of slices of cheese put on my Ham and Cheese.  I felt I was getting short changed, but I digress.  

My parents are doing well.  In good health etc, but I also started looking into the cost of putting them both in nursing homes. Sure, they are years away from retirement, but it would be in everyone’s best interest for them to be locked away.  No padded rooms, but I don’t think that a country club is appropriate either.  Therefore I picked a “community” that was just removed from the “Worst Nursing Homes in America” list.   A lovely little place in Delhi, NY…..a place where nobody can hear you scream…..(That’s what they get for sending me to a Boston Public School when I was in the second grade.  They should have known that was eventually going to come back to bite them.)

I adopted several animals for the purpose of meeting women.  I mention several of them because if it doesn’t help me meet a girl that day I release it into the wild of Central Park.  Then, I go to the shelter and pick up a new one.  I have found that fluffy, medium sized dogs work the best, but once in a while a larger dog attracts those more athletic girls.  I also got a cat to hunt down the mice in my apartment, but then I got drunk, and left my door open one night (which you really shouldn’t do in an apartment in Manhattan) and he got out.  I would see him roaming the halls from time to time and we would look at each other without much fanfare.  I think eventually the super of my building adopted him as a the building cat….and then he died after a small fire in the basement.  Poor cat.  So anyways, I am a frequent buyer at the shelter.  With my next purchase they will throw in a free rabbit, which is good because money is getting tight.

I bought a new suit.  It is awesome.  Came with  a free pimp cane.  I originally got it for Halloween, but now I wear it daily like a good pair of jeans.

Most important, I started my own company.   Yep, I am something of a consultant.  People call me and I tell them certain numbers as they pertain to sporting events.  I even have a small staff.  A guy to work the front desk.  He writes down the numbers as people call in….usually at around 12:30 and 3:45 on Sunday afternoons.  Also, a very large man who works in collections.  He may or may not be a former offensive lineman.   It works.  The best part of this new business is that I don’t even have to pay taxes!!!!

So there you have it.  2011 was  great year full of adventure.  I hope this letter finds you and your family happy and healthy.  As for me, 2012 is going to be even better!  I have a trip to China planned so that I can steal a panda, I plan on purchasing one of those iPhone things, and hopefully I will meet my first ex-wife. 

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!


(Please note that this is a complete work of fiction other than me putting my parents in a home.  That is 100% on the table.)