Bobby Jenks DUI

by agoodnow

So Bobby Jenks gets arrested for a DUI in Florida.  Apparently he is claiming he took too many muscle relaxants.

Huh?  Sounds like when I was drunk back in college and my girlfriend would ask me if I had been drinking, “No, just like a couple beers with the guys.  I’m just really tired from studying.”  What that really meant was, “I was playing beer pong for the last 7 hours and I plowed through a case of Natty Light.  I don’t know where the library is NEVERMIND having been studying and I just called you up because I know you would pick my drunk ass up and if I’m lucky have sex with me before I inevitably pass out.”  

Come on Bobby Jenks, come up with a better excuse than that.  

Here is what I am thinking:

“Officer I see you pulled me over this evening.  Thank you for that, glad to see you are keeping the streets safe.  You probably think I was drinking due to the fact that I 

a) am slurring my speech

b) just left a strip club

c) have glitter all over me

d) hit another car when leaving the strip club

e) reek of booze

But you see, all of this can be easily explained.  I suck at baseball.  Think about it.  I played in 19 games last year and posted a 6.32 ERA.  You know, my blood alcohol level might be higher than that right now, but that is beside the point.  What I am trying to say is….I am so bad at my job that it drives me to drink. I get paid millions of dollars to throw a small white ball and I’m just terrible.  Adding to that…look at me.  I’m fat.  There is a reason I was at the strip club….NO OTHER WOMAN WOULD TOUCH ME.  So I go to the strip club, let one of the nastier ones jerk me off in the “champagne room” – trust me pal, no champagne back there – and then I go back to my hotel suite after tying one on.  You know how it is.  So how about it, just let me off with a warning, I’ll sign some baseballs for you and your kids and we’ll forget any of this happened.”


Bobby Jenks, that is how you handle a DUI.  Not some excuse about muscle relaxers.  (that you clearly mixed with alcohol – fucking idiot)  Get it together buddy.

Oh and next time.  Call a fucking cab so you don’t kill anyone.  Dick.