Mean Agent Rejection Letter
Dear Writer of Very Bad Material,
Why did you waste my time by sending me the first ten pages of what you think comprises sentences that attempt to tell a story over far too many pages (I will not give you the benefit of calling it a novel, literary fiction, or book)? If ever bound I feel bad for the trees used to sacrifice their natural purpose in order to have your dribble contaminating what was once a vital part of the ecosystem. Your attempts at humor are sophomoric, your plot is non-existent, and your character development borders on actually slapping the reader in the face and calling them a retarded donkey. Why are you calling me and anyone else misfortunate enough to read your words a retarded donkey. It seems like a terrible thing to do to another human being. Your words on pages were so bad that there isn’t even a place for me to edit. It was so bad the only thing I can do is to hope for a book burning in New York City at some point in time. That is coming from a person making his living from the sale and integrity of books. The only problem with the book burning would be the chance of breathing in the air your words on pages occupied. Also the concept of a book burning would incinuate that your words on pages are, in fact, a book. Which it is not.
In closing I would like to recommend you do something – anything really – other than write. Don’t even sign your name to credit card receipts. Do not send text messages, I fear anyone reading them would become much, much more simple.
May God have mercy on your soul.