The Park at Night
On Friday evening I went down to meet a good buddy of mine for some drinks.
Let’s start by saying that we went to two bars. I have not been to either of them in over a year. At both bars I knew the bartenders. Like shake hands, catch up on how they are doing type of knowing. My friend….. “How the fuck do you know all of these bartenders?”
This ain’t my first rodeo.
We had a great evening and at around 12:20 I decided it was time for me to go home. I got on (what I thought was the F train) the subway. Soon enough I realized that I was on the Upper West Side. Hmmm……not good.
Sidenote – After looking at a subway map, I realize that I got on the B train. How or why I got on the B train is beyond me. I don’t even like the letter “B”.
I emerged out of the subway station and onto Central Park West. How should I get back to my apartment? A cab was out of the question. I went out drinking and if I spent anymore money I would be over budget. Can’t let that happen.
Oh, I have a great idea! Seeing how it is now 1 am, let’s venture through the Park!!!!! Nothing bad ever happens in the park. It is a beautiful sanctuary.
(note to self – 38% of all crime in NYC takes place in the Park after dark)
As I entered the Park (though drunk) I realized how stupid this was. I mean, really, really dumb.
Let me tell you, it is dark in that Park at night. Quiet. Eerie. I’m not saying I was scared. I’m just saying that I wasn’t not scared.
So I was walking…..walking. Oh look, a squirrel. That’s cute. I think I’ll take this path heading east……….
Well hello there man with his penis in his hand.
He waved at me. Then he proceeded to pee on the walking path.
It was a nice moment for both of us. I know it really added something to my night.
So now that I’ve walked past the half naked, urinating man I start walking a bit faster as I was not entirely in the mood to interact with that gentlemen. I mean, I doubt he was able to wash his hands and further more I have some real doubts about him carrying some form of hand sanitizer. Nevermind that he was exposing himself in the Park at night.
I just didn’t want that headache.
So I’m walking, I’m walking. Two scantily clad young ladies walk by. I realize that the reason I am walking through the park in the first place is that I had already spent all of the money in my budget for the day. I guess there is no cash leftover for a lady of the night. Darn. I could have been Richard Gere for a night. They look me up and down. I look back. They realize that I’m an upstanding guy with no money (well, maybe they take Visa, I mean…..the advertisement says Visa is “Everywhere you want to be”) I tell them to watch out for the man with his penis in his hand. They thank me (no, not that way)
I see the outlet to the East side of Manhattan. Oh 5th Ave. What a site!!!! It was like finding the promised land. Only the promise isn’t anything other than a false sense of security and slightly better lighting.
Then it hits me. I still have over a MILE to walk before I get home AND I’m sobering up. Hmmm……do I pass any bars on the way home? The answer…….NO. I went home. I peed. (You know, like a human being. In a toilet. Not in a public park at night. In the middle of a walking path. Waving to people.) I washed my hands (Again, like a functioning member of society). Then I went to grab some late night pizza (The pizza put me $5.50 over budget for the day)